Lexx Meets Mario
by FlatEric
Summary: The crew of the Lexx meets the cast of the Mario games. Chapter two now added.
1. Default Chapter

Lexx meets Mario  
The Dark Universe: The universe of evil and depravity. It is here that the crew of the Lexx travel to find a new home. It is also the home of the planet of the Mushroom Kingdom.  
  
The Lexx approached the planet. "That planet looks tasty. Can I eat it Stan?" Asked the biological ship. Stan looked at the view screen. "Not yet, we gotta see if it's a good place to live." Kai stood up. "He is right. It may be a good place for Xev and Stan." The robot head, 790, entered the bridge. "Oh, let's ditch them and go down there ourselves, you hunk of a dead body." Stan rolled his eyes. "Let's just go down there." Said Xev. Xev and Stan boarded a moth. "I shall meet you down there." Kai announced. Stanley H. Tweedle flew the moth to the strange planet.  
  
Mario was heading to Peach's castle when he saw a huge bug land near by. "What could-a that-a be?" he said, in a deep, stereotypical Italian accent. The plumber went to investigate. He saw a man with a really stupid looking hat on and a red-haired woman step out of the bug. "This place looks nice. Wonder if there's good men here." Stated the woman. "Looks like a drug-induced hallucination to me." Said the man. Mario jumped into the open and startled the man. "Who the hell are you?!" he said. Mario introduced himself. "I'm-a Mario. Who da hell-a are you-a?" he asked. "My name is Stanley H. Tweedle, Captain of the Lexx, and this is Xev." Xev smiled at Mario and waved. Mario's face turned completely red. Stan spoke. "Any civilization around here? We're lookin' for a good time." Mario led them to Toad Town.   
  
"I think it is time for me to go down there." Announced Kai. "Oh, please come back to me!" said the robot head. "Do not worry. I am already dead." He got on top of the ship, shot out his hook and swung down to the planet. When he landed, he fell through a pipe and fell into a dark area with blue bricks. A flying turtle came at him, but was killed by Kai's weapon. He swung to the top and continued through the place until he reached a room with five pipes. The assassin went through one and ended up in water, with a strange song playing. 'What an unusual planet.' He thought. He saw a boat above the water and swung up to it. On the boat, there was another koopa who was fishing. Kai aimed at him. "Please don't kill me! I'm not one of that evil Bowser's minions!" Kai put his arm down. "Could you tell me where this craft is headed?" he inquired. "T-to the Koopa Village. There are others of my kind there. They are also peaceful." Kai nodded and sat down. "Take us there." He said. The koopa fisherman quickly did as told. They did not know that a fish was tracking them and would report back to Bowser.   
  
Stan and Xev thought it was strange being in a town where a bunch of mushroom head people lived. Chan, Lee, Peach, Toad and Luigi greeted them. "Uh, greetings." Said Stan, half smiling. "Welcome to our kingdom, Stanley and Xev." Said the Princess. "We're having a party in our castle with people from all over. "We will join you." Said Xev. With that, everyone entered the castle. There were drinks, and food. Stan wondered if the princess was available and Xev wondered if Mario was. But then, the pair's hopes were shattered when Mario and Peach kissed. Stan went up to Luigi. "Are there any beaches or other human women here?" he asked. Luigi shook his head. "There ain't no-a beaches and no other human-a women. Mario is the only one-a who gets-a lucky weeth the weemen, but I hope-a that I'm good enough for yer lady friend-a over there-a." Stan frowned at the answer and Xev gave Luigi an angry look. Suddenly, a group of shy-guys broke in and killed a few people. A magikoopa followed and ordered them to get the princess. In the confusion, Stan lost sight of Xev. "Xev? Xev where are you?!" he cried. Then, he saw that the shy-guys got her as well.  
  
To Be Continued  



	2. Chapter 2

Lexx Meets Mario  
Part 2-Apocalypse  
  
The fish that spotted Kai returned to Bowser's castle with his news. "Your excellency, a strange man and a Koopa are sailing this way. I think the man might be a divine assassin." Bowser congratulated his trusty spy and sent him to continue his work in the sea. "I shall go look in on my prisoners." He went down a passageway into the dungeon. Xev was chained to the wall and Peach was strapped to a table underneath a swinging pendulum. Bowser approached Xev. "I'm finally gonna kill that ditsy princess, but I'll keep you for my own pleasure." Xev grinned. "I'm programmed for that, but I prefer someone a little thinner and more attractive." That set him off. He went over to the princess, cut down the pendulum and let it drop on Peach. He then summoned a koopa and bit the koopa's head off. After that he finally settled down. "As you can see, I don't handle rejection well. I'll release you and have you treated as well as possible and then you'll see." Xev was unshackled and led to her room.  
  
Kai stepped off the boat after it arrived at Koopa Village. "You may want to speak to our elder. I'll take you to him." Said the koopa fisherman. They entered the elder's hut. Kai sat down. The elder came out of his library and was surprised to see Kai sitting there. "Oh! I didn't hear you come in. That's what happens when you get old and senile. Who might you be?" "I am called Kai. I was once an assassin for his divine shadow. I have an interest in the one you call Bowser." The elder chuckled. "Why would you be interested in that fiend?" "I believe he is somehow connected to my past. I wish to know more about him." The elder stroked his chin. "I may have a book to help you. I'll be right back." He got up and went back to the library. He came back with a gray book and put it on the table. He opened the book to a page with a picture of a cryo- pod and the mark of his Divine Shadow. Kai picked up and turned the page. There was a picture of a lizard man attacking people that seemed to be divine assassins and then a planet being destroyed and a cryo-pod flying through space. "A divine hunter." The elder looked confused. "A what?" "When a divine assassin went against their programming, a divine hunter was sent to kill them. They are much stronger. I had the displeasure of fighting one called Vlad on a planet called Earth. But according to these pages, he does not require proto-blood." The elder was still confused. "Proto-blood is the life source of all divine assassins and hunters. I wish to go to his fortress." The elder nearly had a heart attack. "Y-y-you're insane! No one but Mario goes there." Kai stood up and walked to the door. "No matter. I am already dead."   
  
Stanley paced nervously. "I should have known something like this would happen. It always happens when we go to a new planet. Where could they have taken Xev?" Mario ran down the stairs. "They-a went to-a Bowser's castle, of-a course." Stan followed after him. "But where is this castle, and could you stop talking like that?" "But-a I'm a stereotypical Italian!" "What the hell is an Italian? "Never mind-a. We have-a to go through the worlds-a to his to his-a castle." They got outside and Stan pulled out a whistle. "I've got a better and faster idea." He blew the whistle and a moth flew into the city and landed. "That-a works." They got on and flew off to their destination.  
  
Xev relaxed in the hot tub. "I guess being kidnapped isn't always that bad. At least I didn't end up like that poor sap of a princess." She got out and put on a robe. She left the spa and went out into the hall. As she passed a door, someone jumped out, grabbed her, and pulled her in.  
  
The moth went at a steady pace; so steady that Mario fell asleep. "Mario." He heard a voice that sounded like Peach. He opened his eyes and saw her ghost. "Mario, come quickly! I have been killed, but you two must rescue Xev. I've overheard that Bowser was going to treat her very well, but he's just using that to brainwash her to do his bidding. Please, hurry!" "But-a you can't be dead-a!" said Mario, in disbelief. Stan gave Mario a funny look. "I'm very much alive, thank you!" Peach got closer. "That's not important. Just rescue Xev, defeat Bowser once and for all, and help the kingdom live on." The apparition disappeared. "Stan, we must go-a faster! Xev is-a bein' brain-a-washed!" Stan made the moth go as fast as possible. Bowser's fortress was in view. If only Kai was here to help right now, thought Stan.  
  
The elder took Kai to see Kolorado, the resident adventurer. "He has a flying machine that will get you there faster." They reached the hut and the elder walked inside. Kolorado's wife took him to her husband. Kolorado greeted him. "Hey, Kol, I've got someone outside who needs your plane to get to Bowser's." Kolorado was shocked. "What a maniac!" "He insists." The adventurer sighed. "Alright then." The elder went back to Kai. "It'll be right out." A green biplane landed. Kolorado gestured to Kai to get in. "Hop on." Kai did so and got in the back. They took off. The elder shook his head. "There goes another suicidal loon."  
  
The plane reached the floating castle of Bowser. Kai got on the wings and shot his hook at a rampart and swung across to the castle. Kolorado began to fly away. A guard saw this and sounded the alarm. A fleet of flying koopas pursued the adventurer and dropped bombs on him. He took a great deal of damage, and dodged a few, but a bob-omb crashed through the windshield and caused Kol to lose control of the plane. Then, there was a huge explosion.   
  
Xev awoke, sitting on a recliner. She saw Ludwig Van Koopa. "My father wanted you to brainwash you to be his, but he's much too old for you, so I have taken you for my own." Xev slapped him. "I don't want either of you sickos!" Ludwig tried to strangle her, but was killed by Kai, who snuck in unexpectedly.   
  
Xev got up and hugged her dead companion. "Kai! I'm so glad you came to rescue me!" "There will be time for rejoicing later. I must stop Bowser. He is a divine hunter like Vlad, but somehow he does not need proto-blood."   
  
Xev kissed him on the cheek. "Be careful!" Kai nodded and ran to stop his nemesis.   
  
Meanwhile, Stan and Mario ran through the halls, looking for Xev. Suddenly, she appeared before them. "Xev!" said Stan, happily. Xev looked worried. "Kai went to stop Bowser!" Mario and Stan gulped.  
  
Kai entered the throne room and inspected the throne. He nearly lost his head when a stiletto was throne at him. He turned around to see Bowser. Bower smirked. "So, you are the famous Kai. I've heard all about how you betrayed His Shadow. Where Vlad failed, I will succeed! And with you out of the way, I'll kill Mario and your friends!" Kai shot at Bowser and got him in the leg. The hunter cried out in immense pain. "How is it that you do not need proto-blood?" Bowser tried to pull out the claw. "I...was designed to be the ultimate...assassin. Think of me as a living divine assassin. I was the last of an ancient race. My village was destroyed and they took me when I was a baby. I was experimented on for years. My race was more evolved than any other, but easily controlled. They left me alive so their proto-blood supply could be preserved and made me their loyal servant. I was told about the prophecy which said the last of the Brunen-Gi would defeat the insects and was kept in stasis until the day arrived. But, you know the rest, and now I'm here." Kai pulled his weapon out. "Then you can be killed easily." He shot at Bowser's neck, but his enemy jumped out of the way. Kai shot again, and it went straight through Bowser's heart. Kai retracted his weapon and crushed the heart. As the lizard's body fell limp, he pulled a cord hanging from the ceiling.   
  
The citizens of Toad Town went about their normal kingdom-wide emergency lives, until a blast from the sky penetrated through the ground, destroying the planet.  
  
Luckily for the heroes, the castle went up in space. Mario collapsed in shock, with Xev consoling him. Kai approached them. "I believe we should return to the Lexx. Stan looked devastated by the destruction of the planet below. "I..I second that." Mario stood up with his head down. "I-a guess I'll just-a stay in this castle now. I have no other place to go. Maybe I'll see-a you later. I'd like-a to be alone now."   
  
Stan, Xev and Kai turned around and boarded their moth. They flew onto the Lexx. Stan stood at the controls and engaged the ship. "Lexx, take us away from here. Y-You can eat that moon over there." The Lexx replied. "On your command, Stan."   
  
The Lexx turned and flew away from the tragic system. 


End file.
